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 wasted time [closed]

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Posts : 486
Beata Bucks : 3316
Join date : 2013-03-14
Age : 20
Location : Canadiaaaaaaaa

PostSubject: wasted time [closed]   Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:59 pm

It had been on his twentieth birthday three days prior that he'd realized that it'd been a year - a whole year since it had happened.

It was snowing, now, as Joseph leaned against the backboard of a bench in the academy courtyard, burning through a pack of smokes in a wool sweater. He barely flinched as an icy wind buffeted him from the side, kicking up flurries into his face and scrambling his hair in every which direction. The cold was only a distant, tickling irritant against his skin - he could have come out in a t-shirt and been almost entirely unbothered.

He was no longer a student at the academy, and the only reason he'd returned to the campus had been for a routine visit to the infirmary. It was a weekly occurrence now, to come by for counseling sessions. To say he'd made no progress would be a lie. Spontaneous fits, flashbacks - they had grown less and less frequent as the months had wound on. In their place, though, Joseph just felt.. Nothing. Numb. He wasn't sure if that was better, or worse, at this point.

Not uncontrollably panicking at the slightest touch and becoming totally unapproachable was a significant step forward. Being able to be alone in a room with somebody, to touch somebody, to let somebody help him.. It was invaluable, but the hollowness he felt was beyond anything he'd ever experienced while suffering with a depressive disorder before.

Before the lab. Before Kaleb.

He'd spent so much time - such a massive portion of the year - just wallowing in that ugly feeling, wasting his and everyone else's time. He hated himself for that the most. Being like this was bringing all of the people around him down with him. They could deny it all they wanted, but Joseph knew it was true, even if they didn't realize it themselves.

He pressed the embers of his cigarette against the palm of his free hand to douse it, burning a blackened hole into his flesh. It stank, but it didn't hurt, and a few seconds later, the hole had already healed over.
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